Thursday, April 5, 2012
Cesar Izturis, 2009 Topps Updates and Highlights #UH254
Atlanta Braves: Chipper Jones’ final season is marred by the discovery that he no longer has knees – no cartilage, no bone, no muscle, nothing. He still hits .305 with 23 home runs in 108 games.
Miami Marlins: Owner Jeffrey Loria outdoes himself by ordering a fire sale of all of the team’s stars and using the money saved on player salaries to commission abstract sculptures to fill the empty seats in the new ballpark.
New York Mets: The Mets will be shocked to discover that Jason Bay has been stranded on a deserted island since December 2009. The “Jason Bay” who has been playing for New York for the past two seasons was actually four possums stacked one on top of the other.
Philadelphia Phillies: Philly’s hopes of another Eastern division championship are dashed when the United States suddenly shifts from a representative democracy to a Logan’s Run-style dystopia.
Washington Nationals: 19 year-old phenom Bryce Harper makes his much-anticipated debut in mid-May. Not only is he the league’s leading vote-getter for the All-Star Game, he is also voted “Most Punchable”.
Chicago Cubs: In a scene reminiscent of the false-identity scandals involving Marlins pitcher Juan Carlos Oviedo (a.k.a. Leo Nunez) and Indians pitcher Roberto Hernandez Heredia (a.k.a. Fausto Carmona), Cubs second baseman Darwin Barney admits that he has been using an alias. His actual name is Dagwood Gerbert. He claims that he changed it because it was “just too silly”.
Cincinnati Reds: GM Walt Jocketty obtains a court order barring manager Dusty Baker from all team facilities after Baker switches Aroldis Chapman from a reliever to a starter back to a reliever and back to a starter over the course of a single weekend.
Houston Astros: Several players admit to having frequent nightmares in which they show up to play National League Central opponents only to discover that they’re supposed to be playing in the American League West already.
Milwaukee Brewers: Robin Yount boosts team morale by shaving his mustache and attaching it to Cesar Izturis’ face with Krazy Glue while the utility infielder naps in the clubhouse.
Pittsburgh Pirates: In an ill-advised move to increase attendance, the club changes their name to the Steelers.
St. Louis Cardinals: The defending World Series champs miss the playoffs altogether after the Rally Squirrel is killed and eaten by ESPN baseball personality John Kruk.
Arizona Diamondbacks: The entire club is mortified to learn that the color they’ve been referring to as “Sedona red” is actually just brick red.
Colorado Rockies: Jamie Moyer spends a few weeks on the disabled list in July after getting some rust scraped off of his left shoulder.
Los Angeles Dodgers: In a new take on the old Boston Braves pitching staff of “Spahn and Sain and pray for rain”, L.A. fans adopt the slogan “Kershaw and Kemp, plus Larry, Moe, and Shemp”.
San Diego Padres: The Friars increase their community outreach by hosting a marathon. The 26.2 mile course consists of a single lap around the Petco Park outfield.
San Francisco Giants: New outfielder Melky Cabrera is shunned by his teammates after repeatedly calling the Giants' stadium PacBell Park.