Wow. Just...yeah. I don't have words for this card, so I give you the hilarious and sometimes baffling text from its backside:
"The Ripper, known for his titanic blasts from his powerful wooden spear and his heroic work with his glove, continues to rewrite the record books in his neverending quest to catch and conquer the elusive Iron Horse. The Ripper is usually on patrol in Baltimore's infield but spends about half of the year on the road in search of the slippery beast. Not one day has gone by in the past 10 seasons without The Ripper looking high and low for his final goal, the battle for eternity."
-Giving one of baseball's model citizens a nickname widely associated with a historical serial killer? Check.
-Casting the equally virtuous (and tragic) Lou Gehrig as a villain, and confusing your adjectives (since when is iron slippery)? Check.
-Suggest that Cal's "final goal" is a "battle? Wha? Um, check.
Those must have been some powerful drugs, Upper Deck folks.