Sidney Ponson, 2002 Fleer Tradition #155

Today I realized with horror that there was a common denominator in each day of the Orioles' current five-game losing streak: I have not posted a blog entry during this skid. I may be a new father, but I can squeeze out a few minutes to set this right. I realize that nine-game West Coast road trips are hellish, but these Orioles are better than this. They are not the gluttonous, underachieving, surly Orioles of Sidney Ponson vintage. They are the 2016 Orioles. The first-place, five-All-Star-having, Buck Showalter Orioles. This is just a bump in the road. Get 'em tonight.

Sidney Ponson, 2000 Upper Deck MVP Silver Script #129

Do you know why I usually don't pick a card out of a box at random when I'm preparing to post on this blog? Because then I might find myself trying to find things to say about a Sidney Ponson parallel insert from 15 years ago. Here's what I've got: Sir Sidney actually has quite a lovely signature. I guess he's gotten plenty of practice while signing his name to plea agreements and other police and court documents.

Sidney Ponson, 2005 Donruss #114

Last night was one of the dog-ugliest Oriole games I've ever had the misfortune of seeing in person, which is saying a lot. I've lived through the days of Sidney Ponson, Daniel Cabrera, Radhames Liz, and the rest. But rarely have I seen the O's carry a 2-1 lead into the sixth inning, only to lose 10-2. Back-to-back four-run innings will do that. Overall, the home team had as many miscues as hits (five of each). Three errors, a passed ball, and a wild pitch. Oh, and two hit batters. Thankfully, neither of them was Jose Bautista, so there weren't any fisticuffs or shouted profanities. I'll say one thing: traffic leaving the stadium was incredibly light, so I guess I'll thank the Birds for getting me home by bedtime.

The merciful thing about baseball is that you get 162 chances to play each season. Tonight's game is looking more like the Orioles I expect to see, as they're up 6-1 on Toronto with three outs left to get. Two out of three ain't bad.

Sidney Ponson, 1998 Upper Deck #594

2013 marks the 60th season in Orioles history. Over these last six decades, there have been 46 complete-game shutouts thrown by 22 different O's pitchers against the Yankees. As follows general trends in pitcher usage (and team trends in pitcher quality), only five of those shutouts have come in the last 30 years. You can find the full list here. Some interesting notes:

-As you might expect, Jim Palmer leads the way with seven whitewashes of the New Yorkers. He is followed by Dave McNally (six), Mike Cuellar (five), and ex-Yankee farmhand Scott McGregor (four, though one was a rain-shortened six-inning game).

-Charlie Beamon had only three career victories, and one of them was a wild four-hit, seven-walk, nine-strikeout blanking of Whitey Ford and the Yanks on September 26, 1956. The Birds did not turn a single double play and caught one runner stealing (Joe Collins in the first inning), but the Yankees went 0-for-5 with runners in scoring position and stranded 10.

-The highest Game Score was 93, for Hoyt Wilhelm's 1958 no-hitter.

-Mike Mussina never blanked the Bronx Bombers, but Bob Milacki did it twice! Baseball, man.

-Sidney Ponson is the only O's pitcher to shut out the Yankees from 1993 to the present day. On September 4, 2004, he needed 109 pitches to beat them 7-0. All New York could muster were a pair of hits and a walk. Mike Mussina was the tough-luck loser (2 ER in 7 IP), and Mariano Rivera was blasted for four runs in one-third of an inning in a non-save situation. See note on Bob Milacki.

I'm telling you all of this because the Orioles have hit their first truly ugly stretch on the year, losing five in a row to the Padres and Rays. This is not the best time to be facing the Yankees, especially when tonight's pitching matchup is CC Sabathia (17-3 career vs. the O's) against Freddy Garcia (eight runs allowed in his last nine and two-thirds innings pitched). We need something weird to happen to snap out of this funk.

Sidney Ponson, 2004 Upper Deck Power Up #40

So what's the most terrifying thing about this card? Is it the giant bulbous head that Upper Deck pasted onto Sidney Ponson's body? Or is it the visual reminder that the Orioles once had the sense and good fortune to trade the immature Aruban righty away, only to immediately reacquire him at a significantly higher salary mere months later? For my two cents, it's option B. The O's weren't a bad team for 14 years by accident.

Sidney Ponson, 2004 Upper Deck Diamond Collection #75

Sidney Ponson in a St. Louis Browns throwback uniform? Sure, why not. If you're curious, this photo would have been taken on Saturday, June 7, 2003 in St. Louis. Sidney actually pitched a complete-game seven-hitter, striking out eight Cardinals in an 8-1 Orioles interleague win. It was a home run derby for the O's, with Jeff Conine, Melvin Mora, and Deivi Cruz (twice!) going deep in support of their pitcher. I certainly wasn't expecting that result when I looked up this game. It's nice to get a pleasant surprise now and then.

Sidney Ponson, 1998 Leaf Rookies and Stars #250

When you consider that I’ve owned cats for the past year, and that I’m lazy enough to leave stacks of baseball cards laying around the living room and spare room, it’s pretty remarkable that this Sidney Ponson card was the first significant victim of those exploratory claws and teeth. I only have myself to blame, as I had left a box of late 1990s Orioles open on the guest bed with Sir Sidney sticking straight up as a placeholder so that I might easily place the Danny Clyburn card I’d pulled to scan a few weeks back. I never got around to it, so the portly Aruban hurler was just hanging out there in the open, taunting a couple of house pets who enjoy pawing anything within reach. (Of course, the mystery assailant could have been making a personal statement about his distaste for the boorish behavior and oft-subpar performance of Mr. Ponson.) Homer, the more spastic of the pair, has knocked piles of unsorted cards off of the top of my DVD rack on multiple occasions, and I know that I have to be vigilant when he’s poking around in that vicinity. I’ll say it one more time: I need to get my organization and cataloguing act in gear. If I need any further motivation, I’ll refer to this card…and this picture of Charlie hovering menacingly over my incomplete 1972 Topps set.

Sidney Ponson, 2005 Fleer Ultra #115

Fun fact: That smudge on Sidney Ponson's cap is a gravy stain.

Fun fact #2: Sir Sidney sucked even harder as a Yankee (6.63 ERA, 1.7 WHIP in 21 games) than he did as an Oriole (4.86 ERA, 1.45 WHIP in 223 games). Of course, the Yankees weren't dumb enough to keep him around for eight years.

3-1 Detroit at the seventh inning stretch. Let's go Tigers!

Sidney Ponson, 2002 Topps Heritage #237

I had the pleasure of being present for the Orioles' first loss of the season last night, as Justin Verlander mostly chewed up our hitters and spit them back out. Derrek Lee did hit his first home run in an O's uniform, so there was briefly something to cheer. No reason to panic after one lackluster game, although it felt kind of lousy to be sitting in an empty section of the upper deck when the team was riding a four-game winning streak and playing only their second home game of the year. I guess they've still got a little work to do to win back most of Charm City.

Even though Brad Bergesen took his lumps last night, and Chris Tillman was just as shaky tonight, the Oriole pitching staff is still light years away from the dark days of the last decade. This club is equipped with several young, affordable, talented young moundsmen, and national baseball writers and scouts agree. This isn't just Syd Thrift or Jim Duquette blowing smoke.

Earlier this week I came across a blog post by William Tasker of The Flagrant Fan that sought to list the Seven Worst Starting Pitchers Ever. Before I even read about the criteria (200 career starts, an ERA+ of 90 or less, an ERA of at least 4.90), I expected to see a few familiar names, but the results were still a bit startling. Four of the not-so-magnificent seven spent some time in Baltimore, with the notorious Sir Sidney Ponson weighing in at number seven with his 91-113 W-L record, 5.03 ERA, 1.48 WHIP, and 90 ERA+. The other black and orange shlubs:

#6 was Jason Johnson, whose five years here felt like ten. He actually had a couple decent seasons in Baltimore, but when he was bad he was really bad. Take his 2000 season, when he went 1-10 with a 7.02 ERA. He hung around the majors for 11 years, chalking up a staggering 56-100 record with a 4.99 ERA, 1.49 WHIP, and 89 ERA+.

#3 was Adam Eaton, who employed a scorched-earth approach to his eight starts for the Orioles in 2009. He won two of them, which tells you all you need to know about the usefulness of wins as a statistic. The brutal details: 2-5, 8.56 ERA (that's 39 ER in 41 IP), 1.83 WHIP, 54 ERA+. By comparison, his overall stats of 71-68, 4.94 ERA, 1.44 WHIP, 84 ERA+ look downright reasonable. Of course, he had the good fortune of pitching in San Diego for much of his career. Imagine the horror otherwise.

At #2 we have Jimmy Haynes, a once-touted prospect who the Birds had the good sense to deal when he still had some value. After tantalizing fans with a 2.25 ERA and a pair of wins in a four-game cup of coffee in September 1995, he was dreadful in 26 games in 1996. How dreadful? How about 122 hits and 58 walks in 89 innings (2.02 WHIP)? 82 earned runs in 89 innings (8.29 ERA, 60 ERA+)? The following June he was traded to the Athletics for DH Geronimo Berroa, who hit .260 with 10 home runs in half a season with the O's. Haynes stuck around for parts of 10 seasons, posting a 63-89 record (which includes a 15-10 mark with the 2002 Reds), 5.37 ERA, 1.63 WHIP, and 83 ERA+.

Woof. Let's keep those guys and all of their meatballing brethren in the rear view, hmm?

Sidney Ponson, 2005 Leaf #28

Oh, Sidney Ponson. Your 17th season in professional baseball promises to be the most pointless and perversely entertaining of them all. With spring training in full swing, you've finally latched on to another club. So which franchise was ensnared by your flabby, drunken, petulant siren song? It's probably not one of the six MLB clubs who have previously released you, of course. Let's see here...I just had it...ah yes!

The Long Island Ducks of the independent Atlantic League.

That would be the very same Long Island Ducks who recently employed Jay Gibbons, who is a superstar and a model citizen when compared to the likes of Sir Sidney. A man who has been at home on the mounds of Oriole Park and Yankee Stadium will toe the rubber at Citibank Park, with its robust capacity of 6,002. Somewhat hilariously, his manager will be the glad-handing, smarmy Gary Carter.

If you live in or near any of the Atlantic League outposts - York, Lancaster, Waldorf, Camden, Somerset, Newark, Bridgeport, and Long Island - get your popcorn at the ready. Aruba's Most Wanted is coming.

Sidney Ponson, 2004 Bowman Chrome #125

Before it even dawned on me that the decade was coming to a close, every website and blog started peppering me with "Best/Worst of the 2000s" retrospectives. No less an authority than ESPN gave an infamous Oriole a very great honor in their own look back at the past ten years.

ESPN.com writer Jerry Crasnick tabbed the one, the only, the soused, Sir Sidney Ponson as the Least Valuable Pitcher of the Decade. That's one hell of an honor, when you consider the 6.00 ERA posted in the 'aughts by Jose Lima. Crasnick also gives mention to the money for nothing crowd headlined by Mike Hampton, and of course fellow Birdland favorite Daniel Cabrera. I think D-Cab was disqualified because he is not technically a pitcher.

But it was the cavalcade of extracurricular disasters that pushed the husky Aruban over the top. We've been over this before, but no baseball player that I am aware of ever punched a judge. No, not even Billy Martin. The 10.3 hits per nine innings that he allowed over the course of the decade (including a staggering 265 in 215.2 innings in 2004) are just the icing on the crap cake. When you put it like that, it's hard to believe that the Orioles (twice), Giants, Cardinals, Yankees (twice), Twins, Rangers, and Royals all washed their hands of him, isn't it?

So congratulations, Sir Sidney. Give us the mailing address of the cardboard box where you're currently living, and we'll be sure to mail you your can of SPAM.

Sidney Ponson, 2004 Topps Cracker Jack #158

Has any quotation gotten more use than P. T. Barnum's old chestnut that "there's a sucker born every minute"? That phrase was the first thing that came to my mind earlier this evening when I heard that the Royals had hopped aboard the Sidney Ponson train, giving everyone's favorite drunken, ruddy, judge-punching Aruban a minor league deal and an invite to camp. It's hard to say anything about Sir Sidney that hasn't already been said, so let me share a hilarious anecdote from Sam Walker's book Fantasyland. In a nutshell, a sports columnist who had never played fantasy baseball talked his way into the 2004 season of Tout Wars, the most prestigious rotisserie league in the country (other participants included Matthew Berry and Joe Sheehan). To make up for his novice, he went completely overboard, touring Spring Training sites and interviewing players to try to determine who was worthy of his team...and more importantly, who wasn't. To wit:

"...Ponson had managed to win seventeen games in 2003, and the Orioles, desperate for arms, rewarded him over the winter with a new $22.5 million contract. Ponson promptly showed his appreciation by ballooning to 266 pounds on a diet of beer and cholesterol and showing up to spring training struggling to do calisthenics. 'I swim,' Ponson said when I asked him about his winter conditioning program. 'I swim in the ocean at my house.' "

It gets better. During the live auction draft, the owners take turns nominating players for bidding. The idea is to toss out a guy that you have no personal interest in or need for, and to sit back while your opponents screw up their budgets. Naturally, Sam's sacrificial turkey is Sidney. In addition to the weight gain, Sid's pitching philosophy is lacking:

"...He'd been pitching around people. In other words, when tough batters came up, he tried to retire them by throwing garbage and hoping they'd flail away. Not only was this a dubious strategy, it was a dramatically dumb thing to admit to a guy with a tape recorder. When hitters finally caught on to him, Ponson would start walking more people than a pack of leader dogs."

So Sam nominates Ponson (valued by some roto previews as high as $19) at $12, and...deafening silence. Of course no one in that league of experts would be dumb enough to fall for Sidney. They started jeering poor Sam, referring to Ponson as the "fat hobbit", and in one case, even tossing out a joke bid of $11. No one made a serious bid; per the rules of rotisserie, Walker was stuck with the pitcher that he least wanted.

You know most of the rest of the story. Indeed, Ponson was hideously awful in the first half of 2004: 3-12, 6.29 ERA. But before the bottom completely dropped out, Sam was lucky enough to hook up with another relative newcomer to the league and unload Sidney for Jose Guillen. Crisis averted, right?

Um...right. Until he reacquired him in a failed attempt at a three-team trade. Inexplicably, the trade didn't end up a total loss, as Sidney went 8-3, 4.21 in the second half. Walker continues visiting with "his" players throughout the season, and his encounter with Ponson on September 3 at Yankee Stadium is one for the ages. The pitcher claims that he was opening up in his delivery too early during the extended slump. Later, Jim Palmer explains to Walker that the majority of Ponson's struggles can more accurately be blamed on his weight:

"While Palmer elaborates on the problems of rotund pitchers, Sidney Ponson walks up behind him. It takes a few seconds for Palmer to register the look of panic on my face, but when he wheels around Ponson is glowering at him. Palmer, trying to play it off, points to me.

'He has you on his rotisserie team.'

'Ya! He traded me!' Ponson says, stomping off."

Oh, to be a fly on the wall. Naturally, Ponson shut out the Yankees the next night, giving up two hits and winning 7-0. It was his last career shutout to date.

Caveat emptor, Kansas City.

Sidney Ponson, 2003 Upper Deck #318

A wise man once said, "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son." Clearly, Sidney Ponson wasn't listening. He squandered his talent and embarrassed the Orioles to the tune of three DUIs during his time in the Baltimore organization. Simply shaming his fans and employers wasn't quite enough for Sir Sidney (yes, he was actually knighted in his native Aruba by Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands). He briefly landed in an Aruban jail prior to the 2005 season after recklessly steering his boat near the beach and punching a JUDGE when confronted about it. It's hard to believe that the Birds voided his contract with one year and $9 million left to go, isn't it?

Ponson has bounced around to four teams since the O's washed their hands of him in September 2005, his on-field performance getting progressively worse and his trademark lack of maturity shining through time and again. This Spring he resurfaced in Rangers camp, reportedly several pounds lighter and clean and sober. It doesn't seem to have made much of a difference, as Texas sent him to their minor league camp today. I hope for Sidney's sake that he truly has turned his life around, but as you can tell, I'm not holding my breath.