Logo Card, 1996 Fleer Orioles #19

Well, the stupid jerkface Red Sox already blew my dream scenario to bits by signing Koji Uehara to a one-year deal today. Booooooo. Oh well. I might as well tell you who else is on my Christmas list.

Billy Butler: Yes, I've forgiven Kansas City's burly slugger for ruining Brad Bergesen's career with that heat-seeking line drive back in 2009. It's hard to resent anyone who's stuck playing for the Royals, especially when his nickname is "Country Breakfast". K.C. is desperately shopping for an established starting pitcher, and rumor has it that the Birds are interested in both Butler and young first baseman Eric Hosmer. The O's probably wouldn't part with veterans Jason Hammel and/or Wei-Yin Chen, and the only other starters they've got with even a season's worth of solid performance are Chris Tillman and Zach Britton. There's not really a good trade match here, but at least there's some indication that the Orioles have good taste in middle-of-the-lineup hitters. It's my fantasy, and it features Country Breakfast DH'ing and batting cleanup for the hometown team and maybe replicating the .313/.373/.510 batting line he produced in 2012, along with those career-high 29 home runs. I'm fairly sure that he'd be worth the defensive downgrade that would come from moving Chris Davis back to first base.

Brandon McCarthy: The O's haven't been linked to the free agent starting pitcher, who put up a 3.29 ERA (121 ERA+) over the past two seasons in Oakland. But Dan Duquette claims that he's looking for another veteran starter. McCarthy seems like a talented, entertaining guy (if you're on Twitter and don't follow him, you're missing out), and his recovery from brain surgery after taking a line drive to the head late last year was inspirational.

R. A. Dickey: This is the super long shot. The reigning N. L. Cy Young winner is only signed through 2013 for a bargain price of $5 million, and the Mets haven't made much progress in extension talks. They've been letting other teams know that the 38-year-old "power knuckleballer" can be had for two top prospects, preferably a catcher and an outfielder. That's not going to hack it for the Orioles, who have a bare cupboard behind the plate and no outfielders better than fourth-OF types Xavier Avery and LJ Hoes. Still, Baltimore is thought to have at least checked in with the Mets about Dickey, which is all of the license I need to imagine the Tolkien-loving, mountain-climbing, book-writing All-Star taking the ball from Buck Showalter every fifth day. 20-6, 2.73 ERA, 1.05 WHIP, 230 strikeouts? And despite his age, Robert Allen's got time on his side. His mentors (Phil Niekro, Tim Wakefield, et. al.) pitched effectively well into their forties. I'd be willing to see if New York would take Jonathan Schoop and any two pitchers not named Dylan Bundy for Dickey. Of course, word has it that they're already asking for much more than that, so I'm starting to sound like a talk radio caller, I fear.

Hey, I've got to think warm thoughts. It's getting colder outside.

Tony Tarasco, 1996 Fleer Orioles #17

I'm sure you've all been waiting for my level-headed, well-considered, and erudite response to the controversial home run hit by Francisco Cervelli in last night's rain-soaked Orioles-Yankees game. I've given the matter lots of careful thought, and I am of the following opinion:

AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH! DEAR GOD, IT HAPPENED AGAIN! What in the bloody Hell have I done to deserve half a lifetime of torment like this? Why did it have to be Orioles-Yankees again, and couldn't the O's at least come back to win this one? They're 55-85, throw them a damned bone! Damn you, Jeffrey Maier Jeffrey Maier Jeffrey MaierrrrrrrrraaaaaAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

If anyone needs me, I'll be grinding my teeth into dust.

Jesse Orosco, 1996 Fleer Orioles #13

Last week, Julio Franco announced his retirement. He had been playing in Mexico this year, but played major league baseball through 2007, at which point he was (at least) forty-nine years old. Franco was an amazingly conditioned athlete, and made his major league debut a few months before I was born. He brings to mind Baltimore's own ageless wonder, lefty relief specialist Jesse Orosco.

Orosco was thirty-eight by the time he arrived in Charm City in 1995, and had already had a remarkable career that included World Series triumphs with the Mets (1986) and Dodgers (1988). He famously saved Game 7 of the 1986 World Series, jumping for joy as the final out was recorded. But there were plenty of pitches left in the southpaw's arm. He led the American League in appearances in his first season here, though those 65 games pitched would actually be his low-water mark as an Oriole. Orosco was the quintessential LOOGY (Lefthanded One Out GuY), throwing no more than 56 and two-thirds innings during those years. But he was damned good at what he did, striking out 241 batters in his 243 and one-thirds innings with a 3.37 ERA while wearing orange and black. Once again, he did this between the ages of thirty-eight and forty-two.

When he was really in a groove, there was nothing more enjoyable than watching Orosco shut down hitters that were young enough to be his children. You just got the sense that he could keep playing forever. In reality, he lost his effectiveness in 2003, bouncing from the Padres to the Yankees to the Twins, the team that had originally drafted him in 1978 and traded him the next year to the Mets for Jerry Koosman (!). Jesse finally called it quits at age forty-six, and he still holds the major league record for games pitched with 1252 (all but four in relief) in his twenty-four-year career. There are plenty of other fun facts to underscore the ridiculous persistence of the man once referred to by Alan Mills as "the Old Indian". On his Baseball Reference page, there are twenty-seven transactions listed. According to the endlessly entertaining Oracle of Baseball, you can jump from Babe Ruth to Orosco in three steps, largely thanks to Ed Kranepool, a teammate of Orosco's with the 1979 Mets.

It's always bittersweet to see a player that you've followed for most of his career call it quits, but I'm starting to see guys retire whom I remember as rookies, the Ryan Kleskos and Shawn Greens. I'm still hoping against hope that Mike Piazza has another season or two left in him.