Since tonight is the Royal Rumble, my favorite wrestling event of the year, I'm posting this card of Tim "Bigfoot" Stoddard, whose imposing size (6'7", 250 lbs.) could have made him a pretty good wrestler. Tonight, I'm attempting my first ever live blog for the Royal Rumble match, as a follow-up to the contest that I ran with my post this afternoon on A Pack a Day. Since I couldn't track down anyone to split the $40 price tag for the pay-per-view, I'll be live-blogging other live blogs, essentially. Not the best-laid plans, to be sure. Keep refreshing for updates!
9:49 - Okay, we're underway! The first two entrants are #1 Rey Mysterio, Jr. (tiny masked Mexican wrestler) and #2 John Morrison (egocentric Jim Morrison knockoff.) After that we got #3 Carlito (Puerto Rican second-generation wrestler with a huge afro) and #4 MVP (generic conceited black athlete gimmick). #5 is the Great Khali (ginormous 7' tall Indian wrestler, starred in The Longest Yard remake). #6 is Vladimir Kozlov (undefeated evil whitebread Russian), who eliminates Khali! #7 is Triple H (neanderthal superstar who loves Motorhead and married the owner's daughter to ensure his stardom). Aaaand we're caught up!
10:03 - Had some technical difficulties. #8 is Randy Orton (obnoxious third-generation wrestler with some really dumb tattoos), followed by #9 JTG (horrendous black stereotype), #10 Ted DiBiase, Jr. (son of the Million Dollar Man, an awesome 1980s villain), #11 Chris Jericho (my personal hero, a bestselling author/heavy metal singer/VH1 commenter, and he wrestles sometimes too), #12 Mike Knox (creepy bearded baddie), #13 The Miz (John Morrison's tag team partner and a former MTV reality star), #14 Fit Finlay (insane middle-aged Irish brawler), and #15 Cody Rhodes (son of Dusty Rhodes and cohort of Orton and DiBiase). Someone needs to clear out some of the bodies in that ring, from the sound of it!
10:11 - They keep on comin'. #16 is the Undertaker (wrestling zombie/aging biker from Houston), #17 is Goldust (homoerotic man with gold facepaint and bodysuit), #18 is CM Punk (straightedge technician/greasy looking urchin), and #19 is Mark Henry (400+ pound ex-Olympic weightlifter).
10:14 - Apparently, the Twitter feed I was following was not keeping track of eliminations. Gone are MVP and Carlito at the hands of Kozlov. HHH takes out Kozlov, Morrison, and the Miz. #20 entrant is Shelton Benjamin (former amateur wrestler at the University of Minnesota, African-American with bleach blond hair). #21 is King William Regal (evil Britisher, real life recovering drug addict). #22 is Kofi Kingston (high-flying young Jamaican) and #23 is Kane (sadistic gargoyle who was burned badly as a child and is storyline brother to the Undertaker).
10:20 - #24 is R-Truth (wrestling rapper - he also had a brief role in "The Wrestler", which is a fantastic movie btw). So far, only commenter RWH is out of the running for the contest prize. I better reload and see if anyone else was eliminated.
10:25 - #25 is Rob Van Dam (pothead/ex 7-11 pitchman/flippy-floppy type guy), which is a huge surprise since he has only made one appearance for WWE in the last few years! #26 is THE Brian Kendrick (little shrimpy blond guy who hides behind his huge bodyguard Ezekiel). I need to find a liveblog that updates eliminations...grr.
10:30 - #27 Dolph Ziggler (doofy looking guy whose gimmick is introducing himself to people - don't ask), and #28 is Santino Marella (unibrowed Italian stereotype/chauvinist who is inexplicably hilarious). Marella is immediately gone - sorry, Thorzul. #29 is Hacksaw Jim Duggan (who you may have actually heard of - America-lovin', 2X4 toting slob from the 80's). #30 is the Big Show (7-plus-foot, 500 pound beast, good friend of Hulk Hogan. Was originally brought into WCW as Andre the Giant's son. Starred as Captain Insano in The Waterboy). Aaand now I'll try to find out who the heck got eliminated, and by whom.
10:38 - Here we go. Undertaker murders JTG - or maybe just throws him out (there goes Mad Guru's guy). Rhodes tosses Goldust, his real life brother and William's pick. Undertaker buries Mark Henry and Shelton Benjamin, and roofgod's chances of winning. Punk takes out Regal, Kendrick takes out Kingston (condolences to Fan of Reds), and Kendrick is dumped in turn by Triple H. Kane deposited Ziggler and the aforementioned Marella. That's all I've got right now.
10:41 - No word on the specifics of the other eliminations, but the Final Six are HHH, Orton, Rhodes, DiBiase, Big Show, and Undertaker. Even though only 15 of the 30 slots were claimed in my contest, only DiBiase (#10) is remaining among the unclaimed! Chances are we'll have a prize winner tonight!
10:43 - Latest on the Twitter has Taker and Show biting the dust. Sorry MGonnella and Burnsee2!
10:44 - Your 2009 Royal Rumble winner is Randy Orton (#8)! Congratulations to Sam! Email me (brotz13 AT gmail DOT com) with your favorite team and address, and I'll send out your prize later this week!
Thanks for hanging with me folks. A lesson learned: the next time I liveblog, I'll make sure I'm actually watching the event I'm blogging.