Cal Ripken, Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Fun Pack #32

Wow. Just...yeah. I don't have words for this card, so I give you the hilarious and sometimes baffling text from its backside:

"The Ripper, known for his titanic blasts from his powerful wooden spear and his heroic work with his glove, continues to rewrite the record books in his neverending quest to catch and conquer the elusive Iron Horse. The Ripper is usually on patrol in Baltimore's infield but spends about half of the year on the road in search of the slippery beast. Not one day has gone by in the past 10 seasons without The Ripper looking high and low for his final goal, the battle for eternity."

-Giving one of baseball's model citizens a nickname widely associated with a historical serial killer? Check.

-Casting the equally virtuous (and tragic) Lou Gehrig as a villain, and confusing your adjectives (since when is iron slippery)? Check.

-Suggest that Cal's "final goal" is a "battle? Wha? Um, check.

Those must have been some powerful drugs, Upper Deck folks.

Mike Devereaux, 1993 Upper Deck Fun Pack #132

Now more than ever, we need to embrace truth in baseball card advertising. The very brand name of this card promises fun, and it is in fact one of the most fun photos I've seen on a baseball card. We see a flattopped Mike Devereaux having a good laugh while seemingly sumo wrestling with teammate Mark McLemore. What could be the cause for their impromptu grappling match? It's hard to say. After all, it was the mid-1990s, when Cal Ripken, Jr. ruled the Orioles clubhouse with an iron fist (pardon the pun). If there's anything I know about Junior, it's that he loved to wrestle with teammates such as Brady Anderson and Ben McDonald before and after games. Rumor has it that he flat-out beat the hell out of his peers. So Devo and Mac probably just figured, "When in Rome..." Then again, Cal never clamped a bear hug or a headlock on a teammate in mid-game. Something must have gotten lost in translation.