Brad Pennington, 1993 Upper Deck #437

Whoops. Dexter Fowler won't be an Oriole, and nobody is really sure what happened. Instead of wringing our hands over what could have been, I will move forward by convincing myself you that we are better off in Baltimore without Fowler. To wit:

1. His birthday is March 22. Do you know who else was born on that day? Wackadoo Christian televangelist Pat Robertson. Pretty suspicious company.

2. He'll be 30 next month. He's practically got one foot in the grave, athletically speaking. Why, he's only two and a half years younger than Nolan Reimold.

3. I know batting average is a dinosaur statistic, but do we really want to give tens of millions of dollars to a guy who was .025 behind Jimmy Paredes last year?

4. Dexter struck out looking in Game Four of the 2015 NLCS to eliminate the Cubs from the postseason. Choker.

5. He turned down a one-year, $15.8 million qualifying offer from the Cubs at the beginning of the postseason, only to twist in the wind all winter before ultimately spurning the Orioles' three-year, $35 million and signing a one-year, $8 million deal with the Cubs featuring a $5 million buyout and a $9 million mutual option for 2017. Should he use that option at the end of this season, he will effectively have signed a one-year, $13 million deal. Otherwise, he'll get two years and $17 million. If that's the kind of sound decision making Fowler employs on a day-to-day basis...

6. Hey, now we get to keep our 28th overall draft pick in June!

7. We'll be spared three years of huckster sports writers making forced references to that TV show about a charming serial killer.

8. A "fowler" is defined as a hunter of birds. Somewhere, the O's mascot is breathing a sigh of relief.

9. Dexter is actually his middle name; his first name is William. What's he trying to hide?

10. If Fowler played for the Orioles, our pitchers wouldn't have the pleasure of getting him out any more. In 10 career games against Baltimore, the outfielder has hit an anemic .167/.302/.194 with no home runs and three RBI.

...No, YOU'RE grasping at straws. Who am I kidding? This sucks. It sucks more than Brad Pennington.