Ben McDonald, 1995 Leaf #197

Finally, our long baby-faced nightmare is over. The Orioles have relaxed their pointless facial hair policy. Note that I said "relaxed", and not "abolished". Two of the team's prominent free-agent additions, Derrek Lee and Vladimir Guerrero, have been long-time goatee guys. Buck Showalter consulted with them and the rest of the club, took this into account, and both he and Andy MacPhail apparently got High Chief and Ruler Peter Angelos to agree that the players should be allowed to have "well-trimmed" beards. This is crucial because 1) the past 13 years have proven that there is no direct correlation between smooth cheeks and chins and winning ballgames and 2) everyone looks better with a beard. Plus, any Oriole who is desperate to change his appearance for whatever reason (superstition, boredom, etc.) won't feel compelled to grow an awful mustache.

In addition to Lee and Guerrero, early reports indicate that Luke Scott and Nick Markakis are reacting favorably to the new allowance. This is unsurprising, as both are known for their impressive offseason homages to Grizzly Adams. Sadly, the "well-trimmed" codicil probably precludes those two from going completely native. But something is better than nothing.

Meanwhile, I will continue to sport my own beard, as I have for the past year and change. I really should update my profile photo on the sidebar.